Mindset Tips

Haven’t we all said this to ourselves before?

When we’re feeling unhappy, we often tell ourselves we should be happy – usually sternly, impatiently. Our inner voice says, “Stop complaining! Be grateful for what you have.”

We try to believe ourselves into happiness. Sometimes, it’s almost like we try to force our attitudes and emotions to change, and we criticise ourselves if we’re not in a constant state of positivity.

I wonder whether it’s the way we have been brought up. As Australians, we’re often told we live in the “lucky country”, so there’s the perception we shouldn’t dare complain.

And, as women, it’s beaten into us that we should be grateful for being able to have a family and work professionally and do the things we want to do personally.

But this is gratitude gone wrong

It’s true that gratitude is important. Being thankful and appreciative is a wonderful feeling. But it’s almost like we’ve been brainwashed into thinking we should be happy, regardless of what’s happening in our lives.

Is that right? Should we always be happy with what we have?

The downside to always being happy

I worry that if we try to constantly “be happy with what we have,” we stop striving to reach bigger goals. We stagnate in our lives and our businesses. We stay in our comfort zone, perhaps even in our discomfort zone, and deny ourselves greater happiness.  

Now, I’m not necessarily talking about striving for more money or trying to climb the corporate ladder, although these things can be helpful. I’m talking about striving to continue to learn and explore new avenues and opportunities so that we can grow as human beings.

Why is it so hard to be happy?

In his article, “12 Reasons You’re Not As Happy As You Should Be,” Travis Bradberry says happiness is “synthetic” – either you create happiness, or you don’t. Lasting happiness, he argues, is the result of carefully honed habits practised day in, day out.

Among the top reasons why we are not happy are:

• Hanging around negative people.
• Comparing our lives to what we see on social media.
• Isolating ourselves.
• Neglecting to set goals.
• Giving in to fear.

This is great news! It means we do have some control over our happiness. By avoiding the above behaviours, we position ourselves for a more positive mindset and engage in more helpful habits that will make us happy, build confidence and improve self-esteem.

But it’s also important we are kind to ourselves. S*** happens, and sometimes there’s nothing we can do about it. When things go awry, allow yourself to feel negative, give yourself some space to complain, but then dust yourself off and move on.

You deserve to be happy!

I’m Emma, and I’m a business and executive coach who believes wholeheartedly in the potential of women. My coaching philosophy is simple- taking action leads to results- and I love working with women in business and in corporate roles to take their passion and drive and transform their professional and personal lives.

Be enthusiastic, optimistic and energetic, every day.

Em x

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go wrong? I know I have!

We tell ourselves we’re stupid, we shouldn’t have done that, it’s all our fault. Would you ever talk to anyone else that way? I doubt it. So why do we talk so negatively to ourselves?

We all have that inner critic

No matter how successful we are, we all have those days when that cynical voice enters our brain and we can’t get it out. Our inner critic goes bananas!

We all want to succeed, and when things don’t go according to plan, we often take it to heart. We blamed ourselves, even if what went wrong was completely out of our control.

Break the cycle and reset

Managing your mind is like stopping a chirping cricket or a mad monkey. You have to get on top of it before it drives you insane!

When you start to hear that negative voice, catch it and inspect it. Is what it’s saying objectively true? Probably not. Is it useful to you? No!

By taking a step back and looking critically at that negative voice, you give yourself the chance to reframe it. Turn it into a positive. Break the cycle, reset, and move forward.

When things go wrong

So, if you’re having a bad day, instead of berating yourself and letting that monkey take centre stage, follow these steps:

• Take a moment to stop and think objectively about what’s actually happening.
• Take a physical break from whatever you are doing – get up and move around, grab a coffee, or even listen to some music.
• Focus on something else to get that monkey chatter to stop.
• Question that monkey – where is the hard evidence that what it’s saying is true?
• Remind yourself you’re working hard, you’re doing the right things – sometimes, bad things happen. Simple as that.

So, let that monkey know who’s boss. Get it off your shoulder, continue with the rest of your day and be kind to yourself!

I’m Emma, and I’m a business and executive coach who believes wholeheartedly in the potential of women. My coaching philosophy is simple- taking action leads to results- and I love working with women in business and in corporate roles to take their passion and drive and transform their professional and personal lives.

Be enthusiastic, optimistic and energetic, every day.

Em x

Sonia had been allocated to me as part of a leadership development program she was on. She worked for a large organisation. On our first session, she cried. She was burnt out. I felt for Sonia. We used the meeting to prepare her for a conversation with her boss about her need to take a little time off. This included talking about finding her some additional support and her going to the Doctor. It wasn’t what I expected the meeting to be like, and that’s the beauty of being the coach, people bring their whole selves, and we work through whatever issue they are having.

It wasn’t just a bad day in the office

The more we delved into it, we realised that this situation wasn’t just a bad day in the office, but an ongoing political dynamic was playing out; not being heard; working too many hours; not being able to switch off; managing anxiety; family and the list went on. In the end, it was too much to handle; the warning signs were there; something needed to change dramatically.

Burnout is real and is affecting many

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has recently said this “Burnout is a syndrome conceptualised as resulting from chronic workplace stress. Three dimensions characterise it: feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion; increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job; and reduced professional efficacy”. 21% of brave Australian employees report they have taken time off work due to feeling mentally unwell, and I suspect there are many many more who don’t report this and take a “doona day” to recover and get a little respite.

Sonia’s conversation with her boss went well, she had asked for a few days, but he insisted on a two-week break, with a check-in point to see how she was feeling. We mapped out her leave. 

Here’s what we agreed to do:

Switch the work mobile off

Sonia felt like she was “on” even when she wasn’t. When she started in the organisation as a consultant, she was virtually on call, so when she switched to an employee, the boundaries didn’t get reset, and she found she was still “on.”

Set the out of office on

Being clear with people about your whereabouts (especially if it’s unexpected) and giving them an alternative contact, means peace of mind for all.

Leave the laptop in the home office, in its bag

Leave her laptop in the home office, in its bag. Previously Sonia would get home and sort the family out and then jump back on the laptop (see the first point), so we had to do something physical to help her out, in this case, it was not unpacking the laptop.

Go to the Doctor

Sonia knew that she needed extra support, so she went and got a mental health plan and found a psychologist through a friend’s recommendation.

Book some sessions for extra support

Many coaches are not qualified Psychologists, and in a situation like this, it’s essential to surround yourself with the “right” professionals. Surrounding yourself with the right people is the best decision you can make.

Practice some self-care

This means different things for everyone. Sonia found that hitting some golf balls at the local driving range allowed the chatter in her brain to calm.

The result

I caught up with Sonia on her first week back at work. She felt happy, but more importantly, realised that she was not in a great place personally before her leave and didn’t want to go back to her role or the environment. Her circumstances were such that she and her husband agreed that she could leave the business.

It doesn’t always end this way; many people take a break and feel refreshed and ready to go. The beauty of stepping out of the business for some time means that you can assess where you are at and make some healthy choices because you are no longer in that place.

The ideal scenario is to recognise this before you reach breaking point, but that can be hard to do in the middle of it, can’t it?

Guest Post By Jaqui Clark

I was recently talking to someone about a networking event that I attended. The event was paid for by work and I had to entertain numerous clients and I was extremely happy with the breakfast that was provided. Being a food lover, I was going into great detail about the eggs cooked to perfection and the crispy bread and I could have talked about it for hours. Instead, my audience asked me if I get to go to events like this often, ‘yes’ I said. ‘Oh you’re so lucky’ was the response.

This got me thinking. It appears that women are the worst at calling our success ‘luck’ rather than being proud enough to admit that they achieved something that they worked hard for. In a study by Fisman & O’Neill (2009) data was analysed from the World Values Survey undertaken in 81 countries which asked two questions; ‘in the long run, hard work usually brings a better life’ and ‘ hard work doesn’t generally bring success – it’s more a matter of luck and connections’. Analysis found that women were more likely to attribute success to luck rather than hard work.

Are we too humble to admit we worked hard to be presented those ‘lucky opportunities’?

Yes, I was lucky that the breakfast was awesome, however I actually don’t like the networking part of my job. Put me on the stage to present and I am happy, but ask me to skip my morning run to attend a breakfast with clients and make ‘small talk’ and I actually don’t enjoy it. So how was I lucky to be there? I was recently relocated from Perth to Melbourne and my company paid for this. The amount of times I was told how ‘lucky’ I was actually annoyed me – because it wasn’t luck. I worked damned hard to score that role and yet when we put it down to chance it takes away the effort involved.

I came back to my current employer about 5yrs ago after a 3yr hiatus at a broker. I was given the opportunity to take a new role and make it what I envisioned as long as it meant getting results. With that came hard work – I put in the research, I put in the hours and even attended more networking sessions despite it not being my favourite thing (sometimes the food was really good though). Whilst doing this I also undertook a 6yr part time undergraduate degree on psychology to assist me in getting into a management role.

I’ll take a bit of luck when it comes my way but I refuse to accept that my current place in my career has been achieved because I have just been ‘lucky’.

Luck is defined in the Cambridge dictionary as “success or failure apparently brought by chance rather than through one’s own efforts or abilities”. I am by all means grateful for the opportunities that have come my way and will always be grateful, however I refuse to believe they were brought about by chance. I will keep working hard, knowing that this is why opportunities present themselves rather than play the lottery. 

So perhaps next time we are thinking of telling someone how lucky we are, or we are told how lucky we are; it’s ok to admit that yes there may have been some chance involved but also remind yourself how hard you worked to get there and pat yourself on the back.

About Jaqui Clark

Jaqui entered the insurance industry after 4 years with the WA Police, serving as a plain clothes investigator. She managed a complex corporate workers compensation portfolio, as well as training staff in legislation and managing a technical portfolio.
Jaqui then spent 3 years with a global broker taking on the role of strategic claims consultant working closely with national and local clients to manage their workers compensation risk and provide support and guidance with claims and injury management.

Returning to an insurer in WA, Jaqui had a key focus on ensuring that service expectations were met by the workers compensation team as well as being a point of escalation for both clients and brokers. Jaqui recently relocated to Melbourne to lead a high performing team of national account managers.

With trail ultra running and reading some of Jaqui’s hobbies, she also is an active member in Rotary and enjoys being a part of challenging and rewarding projects.

Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/luck-jaqui-clark/