fbpx
 

Emma McQueen

Difficult Conversations

Are you a People Pleaser?

| All Posts, Challenges for Women, Difficult Conversations

As women, we all tend to start this way; I don’t know many women who are not people pleasers or mind being disliked, after all, I think that everyone wants to be liked don’t they?

We all know that there are downsides to being a people pleaser but what about in a business sense?

I had someone who reported to me for several years, a real people pleaser; we will call her Anna. Anna was an excellent employee, nothing was too much trouble, she did everything that was asked of her, and she stayed as late as necessary so she could to get the job done. The flip side was this; when I gave Anna work to do that she didn’t understand, instead of coming and asking me about it, she missed her deadlines, when I gave her too much to do, she just stayed late, which impacted her family, but didn’t tell me about it, when I asked her to make decisions, she couldn’t do it, nervous that she was going to get it wrong and that I would be upset with her.

What was happening?

For a few months, I couldn’t understand what was happening, I had conversations that I thought were clear, we agreed on this stuff and walked away with clarity, and then something happened, and we were in a mess again. I changed how I asked, where I asked, the time I gave to Anna, I talked to her about trust and told her mistakes were fine, I asked for feedback and didn’t receive it, and I gave the feedback, and she took it on. Something was amiss. It was like Anna was too scared to provide me with the feedback or tell me what she really thought, but the times when she told me what she really thought, were the times when the project she was working on, or the task she was completing was so much better – and I wanted more of it.

I knew given the circumstances I had to tread carefully

Knowing that women are people pleasers, knowing that Anna came from a traditional background and that she was juggling a number of things in life, I decided to tread super carefully but I knew in order for Anna to reach her full potential and to unlock her blockages, I had to step up and do something differently. So, this is what I did and what happened:

Prepped for an awkward conversation


I thought about the things that had gone well and why I thought so, and all of the situations where it had felt like a miscommunication had happened, or a deadline had been missed.

Grouped the feedback into key themes


There is nothing worse than getting hit with 20 pieces of feedback when it can be summarised, and if Anna wanted examples, then I would have them on hand. 

Took the conversation away from the office (and went for a walk)


I didn’t want to have this conversation in an office; it was important to allow a good flow of dialogue to happen and enable her and I to be side by side as we chatted. I find that when you get out into nature and take away the “office vibe” that people open up and the conversation becomes more about feelings and less about the task, which is what I wanted.

Listened


I opened up the conversation about what I had noticed and what I was seeing and asked her to tell me what her experience was and what she thought of what I was seeing and noticing, Did she agree? Did she have an opinion? Did she disagree but wouldn’t tell me? Could this be fixed? How would we work together in the future?

Gave Anna the opportunity to open up


Anna told me about her experiences and why she did what she did (pure ah-ha moments for me), she shared her back story, her previous employee experiences within the government sector, which meant that she did not want to make a mistake, had to check things off numerous times to ensure they were right, didn’t want to say no for the notion that she look incompetent, and we also discussed the fact that I was task focussed (this is so true) and she needed me to be a little more “human” in my interactions with her. She also shared the fact that her hubby travelled a lot, which meant she was the primary carer for her children a lot of the time and while I was flexible, she felt guilty for putting her family first.

Agreed on the next steps


We decided that in our catch-ups, we would spend the start of it talking about the relationship and how it was going, what was happening at home and how she was feeling and then we would focus on the task. I was open to trying something else as was Anna. This worked really well for both of us (of course there were times when we would slip back into our default modes), but for the majority it worked, and the fact that we had had the conversation allowed us to use language that was our signal to each other if we were going off the rails.

You never know what someone is going through, even when you think you know them well, you work with them daily, things change don’t they?

Unless you are paying attention, you can miss the changes, and you can let tasks go because you don’t have the appropriate amount of time to deal with them there and then or you don’t want to have that awkward conversation. Earlier in my career, I would have shied away from the conversation, but I also know that when you shy away from it, the problem gets worse or the relationship turns sour, so I make every effort to have the awkward conversation nowadays.

What about you? Are there conversations you do not have that need to be had? Do you feel like you do these well?

I’m Emma, and I’m a business and executive coach who believes wholeheartedly in the potential of women. My coaching philosophy is simple- taking action leads to results- and I love working with women in business and in corporate roles to take their passion and drive and transform their professional and personal lives.

Be enthusiastic, optimistic and energetic, every day.

Em x

You are the boss – or are you?

| All Posts, Difficult Conversations

Natalie has built a business that others would be envious of. Her company has approximately 20 employees, and she holds all the risk, she does the stressing over ensuring people are paid, having enough money in the bank account, making sure enough business comes through the door, ensuring everyone is happy.

Natalie also has someone who is in the business in a day to day way, her manager a  – Paul. He looks after the day to day running of the place and does a superb job for Natalie.

Its all good . . .until its not

When Paul started, Natalie warmly invited him into her business, he took ownership, cleared things up, made sure everyone was happy, but then something changed. Paul started to have stronger opinions about the company, and he worked ridiculous hours, which meant Natalie felt like she had too as well, he started acting as though he owned the business. Natalie started to feel a power struggle. She felt like as the business owner, and her company was being run by someone else. 

It can be lonely in business, can’t it?

When we employ people to help us, we do give over a little control, we talk to them about our decisions, and they become invaluable assets, don’t they? But what happens when they overstep the mark? What happens when their own bias gets in the way which then stops decisions being made at a commercial level or you are no longer aligned?

Natalie has to reset her expectations and the boundaries that they had in place. Natalie has to say “this is okay” or “this is not okay”. Natalie had to grab her power back before someone else was running her business.

This situation doesn’t just impact business owners when you are the boss of a department or organisation, and your right-hand person feels they own the role as much as you, this can happen.

Here’s what we did:

  • We unpacked all of the issues
  • We looked at all the options
  • We decided key themes

We unpacked all of the issues.

What was happening, why it was so, how it had come to this, what were the events that led to this, Natalie’s role in it, Paul’s role in it, and how it had made Natalie feel. She owned a lot of the issues. Once all the problems were on the table, it was easier to find a way forward.

We looked at all the options.

Options like, maybe it’s time for Paul to leave the business to reduce his voice, to ignoring it and hoping it would go away (it never does) to having a clear and courage filled conversation. 

What we didn’t do was list all of Paul’s negative traits, this is a person who had been instrumental in setting this business up and felt like he owned the company and was behaving this way. Wouldn’t we all love employees who have this much skin in the game? 

We decided the vital themes

We role-played the conversations, and how they may play out, what response we may get, how we would deal with this and what the fall out might be. One thing we knew for sure, Paul was an integral part of the business, but the power had shifted so significantly that we could no longer ignore it nor did we want to lose Paul, it’s a fine line isn’t it?

Has this ever happened to you? Have you had employees who have so much skin in the game that the lines of authority start to blur? Have you had to have that awkward conversation and be clear with them?

I’m Emma, and I’m a business and executive coach who believes wholeheartedly in the potential of women. My coaching philosophy is simple- taking action leads to results- and I love working with women in business and in corporate roles to take their passion and drive and transform their professional and personal lives.

Be enthusiastic, optimistic and energetic, every day.

Em x

What happens when you are too nice?

| All Posts, Difficult Conversations, Leadership, Results

Since working for myself I have really struggled to put into words the things that I need when I have sought out some extra help from a third party.  I know what I need to do to get the job done but there are no mind readers out there? So, I just have to work that little bit harder to be very clear about what it is I need. 

Two of the biggest things I am guilty of when communicating with people is assuming that; they know more than they actually do; and that they can read my mind.  

How often have you been guilty of making these assumptions?  

The easiest ways to avoid confusion and provide clarity are to: 

  • Never make assumptions of people’s knowledge. Have open discussions about what it is they already know and what they need to know. 
  • Never think a person can read your mind (as great as it would be if they could). You need to ensure that you communicate clearly all the information that is needed and be direct with your requests (bearing in mind, they may need more information than you may need). 

The impact of assuming is that it ultimately leads to confusion and things not getting done correctly, if at all. 

Another key consideration is how clear you are about your requirements and expectations. I wonder how many people are unclear about their expectations? Lack of clarity around this is especially a trap for women who don’t want to upset other people. An issue many of us face is that we want to come across as “nice” all the time and we can sometimes mistake being direct as being unpleasant. 

If your desire is to be “nice” it is not at all about the message you are trying to get across, but the way you communicate it. I truly believe that you can be kind and communicate clearly in business. Here are three things that may help to ensure it works as well as it can: 

  • Work on the relationship first and foremost, and ensure both understand each other’s intention. Having said that, we all judge the actions of a person rather than the intent, so make sure your actions align to your intent 
  • Talk about what happens under stress for each of you before a stressful situation arises. Discuss how you will deal with it so that you can very clearly say “I am under a bit of stress at the moment” or, so that you can say “I can see that you are struggling right at the moment, what can I do to help” 
  • When you make a mistake, admit it, apologise, talk about it and move on 

Take time to ensure the person you are communicating with is clear and understands your expectations. Going back to the above, ensure that you do not assume their knowledge or that they can read your mind. Having these discussions in the first instance provides clarity and understanding.  

By being clear and direct we ensure that everyone is on the same page and that we are getting the things we need. 

So next time you need something, be clear with the person who you need it from around expectations and timelines. Help them out, which in turn helps you out. 

If having clear and direct conversations is something that you are struggling with, please get in touch. I offer tailored coaching programs and can help you. 

Be enthusiastic, optimistic and energetic everyday 

Em x